Days like today - I didn't want to...

But, I couldn't not acknowledge this day...or this entire week for that matter. I mean, it's sole reason behind this blog.

Another year has gone by. Two total since we began this journey. On May 19, 2008, we made the two hour drive to Texas Children's Hospital in hopes we would be sent home with a new found peace. Instead, we spent the rest of the week there. And on this day that year, May 20, 2008, Austin had his first EEG. We were still clueless as to what that really meant. Even after returning home with a new diagnosis, we had no idea what it really meant.

I wish I never really did have to find out what infantile spasms meant. Thinking back to the prego days, I always wanted a happy, healthy, thriving baby. Health was critical. And he is healthy. But, in all the times I worried about things that may happen or complications or diseases I feared...I never once thought Gee, I really hope he doesn't develop epilepsy.

Nope, never entered my mind. Never realized how severe it could be. To me, epilepsy was not an ongoing battle. People I knew of that had it only had occasional seizures. Certainly not 100+ every single day. And none had deficits because of it.

Even with all my new spiritual growth and optimism, I can't deny that days like today don't nag at me. I do still grieve over the life we didn't have and the milestones we have yet to reach. Days like today force me to wonder what life would be like right now had the term "infantile spasms" never been said two years ago today.

I would probably still be an over the top safety nut...a constant worrier...and a proud mama. I would most likely be dreading the beginning of potty training days right about now. I bet I would probably enjoy getting out more than I do now. We probably would have made lots of family outings by now...restaurants, shopping, the zoo, boating at the lake, parks, and maybe even a vacation? Who knows, I might would even be working and/or thinking about family additions at this point.

It's so easy to go "there". That place you wish you were. So easy. It's sad...very sad when you snap out of it and realize you're not there and may never be. But, if these past two years have taught me anything, it's that anything can happen. And not just devastating epilepsy disorders like infantile spasms. But, good stuff too. At least five of the eight kids that I have followed closely over the past couple years are seizure free now. Just because something horrible has happened, doesn't mean it will always be this way. That kind of thinking and my faith is how I manage days like today.

We'll get there too.

Jay Mohr on Diaper Duty

I had to lighten the mood a bit since my last post. This definitely made me laugh! :)

A must read for any of you potty training parents...or actually just about anyone with a sense of humor!

Jay Mohr on Diaper Duty

In honor of Mother's Day

So, this Mother's Day weekend has already gotten off to a terrible start. I woke to a text from my mother telling me to call her when I got up. I knew before even calling what happened. My great grandmother was gone. I can't even describe what an emotional year this has been with both sides of my family. We've lost too many loved ones lately...Chad's family included. And to make matters worse, it's almost Mother's Day. And I've had the looming reminder that we buried my other grandmother eight years ago this week. There's more. Just last week Chad lost his aunt and two days later I lost a great great aunt (my great grandmother's sister). All mothers. And grandmothers. Two were great grandmothers. And one a great great grandmother. All dearly loved and all will be dearly missed this Mother's Day.

Is it May already?!

Yikes, has it really been that long since my last post? I've been so buried under the day-to-day that I didn't realize it's been over a month.

I have to say...it's been a relief to have had a break though. Freeing myself from the nonstop obsession with IS has helped me. Not that I don't still think about it nearly every minute of every day, but it's different when I'm not swimming in it like I was before. I like the new me. I get more done around the house, I spend more time with Austin, and I'm finding new interests (like being a rockstar in my spare time -a lot of you will know what I'm talking about!)...

Once again though, I have to say...I miss the close contact I had with everyone on here. I thought of little Trevy on his birthday (a date that's permanently stamped into my mind because we are birthday buddies) and wondered how his mommy was handling this momentous milestone. I've had Bennett in my thoughts as well...curious how his new school has been for him. And precious Sophie. Her one year mark since the surgery is fast approaching. What a big girl she is! I've especially thought of Maddie and how she's done post-diet. And big girl sitter Madie...and the sweetheart Colby. All these kiddos have always been on my mind. But, I haven't had the courage to dive back into that. Scared I would get back into old habits of the seizure obsession and disorder comparisons...knowing the fears I've worked so hard to conquer would most likely creep back in to haunt me again. I just couldn't go back there just yet. Trying to keep a safe distance for my family's sake, because I know they prefer me to be here rather than seizure land. Not that checking up on our buddies is a bad thing. But, three of our buddies are seizure free now -which is WONDERFUL! But, that's where my fear comes in. I get scared of never getting there. Comparing and obsessing and despairing and pitying my situation. That was not working for me. I LOVE these kids. I love their parents. I love that they have had the chance to try and start over. I've just needed to live here in my own reality for a while and not compare Austin to other kids. And it has helped me celebrate the smaller things he accomplished so much more.

Anyway, on to business...We have seen Austin transform again since the Lamictal wean was complete. Blowing noises are back (he stopped a couple weeks into the start of the med and started back two days after coming off)! Interaction is considerably improved. Smiles, laughs, giggles, toy banging and functioning!! Lots of great new moments around here!

The diet is still going well. My mom and I have a "date" about every other Saturday where we make Austin dinners all day to freeze. It makes this SO much easier. Usually the only meal I will prepare on the spot is breakfast -the others are pre-made. She has been a tremendous help! She knows when I'm starting to wear down and always steps in and helps...whether it's helping prepare food, buying new contraptions to simplify my life (see pic below), or watching him for me for the night so I can relax a bit. I honestly couldn't handle any of this diet or disorder without her.

Last night was the best surprise ever...no noticeable seizures for at least 5 waking hours!! Yeah! And this morning started awesome as well with only 2 seizures in 3 hours.

We will continue to tweak the diet and medication to get even more improvement. My hope is for him to get off the last two meds sometime soon. We saw cognitive AND seizure improvement after the Lamictal wean. And thinking back, the best he's ever done (seizure wise and cognitively) was when he was on the least amount of AEDs. I'd like to see how the diet will work for him without the meds. There are sometimes more improvements in kids once all meds are removed. It's a goal anyway.

So, that's where we are. Finally moving in the right direction!

Austin's new "no helmet zone".