Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Never in my life have I been so eager to get through December. If you've been reading, you know about me and Christmas. I usually want this month to last forever. Wishing there was a pause button to keep December 26th from coming. Always a sad day for me. Seeing everyone resume their lives and get back to the grind. The joy and generosity slowly fading. Just another day.

Sure, most people love this time of year too. And a lot of people are sad to see it end. I'm probably not alone on that one. Despite the chaos, the shrinking finances, and the stress of figuring out how to divide our time between families, it's still always been my favorite month of the year. And I've always always always hated to hear people say they'll be glad when it's over. I've always despised hearing people say they hate Christmas. Made me so sad. Yeah, it's stressful. Yeah, it can be a financial burden. But, why does that have to be the focus? People have always said my attitude would change when I had a kid. They were right. And wrong.

My single greatest joy of the holiday season is seeing people happy. Honestly. When I was a kid, I'm sure it was the gifts. Now, I'd much rather give a great one than get one. I'd be lying if I said it didn't stress me out sometimes trying to find the perfect gift. And I rarely do find it. But, when I do, and I see their reaction...priceless. And, no, it's not always about the gifts. I love to see people get inspired to make someone happy. I love to celebrate the birth of my Savior. I love to believe there is something magical about the season. Love, kindness, generosity, and...miracles.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not hinting that I don't like Christmas or that I'm dreading it this year. But, I'm completely distracted from the festivities. All I can think about is Austin and January. Austin and January. Austin and January. Where is my fast forward?

A couple weeks ago, Chad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. It took me a week to give him any ideas at all. By the way, he completely spoils me. But, there's a catch. I HAVE to tell him what to get me! He will not go shopping without a detailed list. Drives me nuts because I adore surprises. Anyway, I was absolutely stuck. I so didn't care. I wanted to tell him no one could buy me what I want this year.

I want the miracle.

I want no seizures. I want a happy, safe, energetic, laughing, running all over the house, excited, talking Austin. I want to hear him tell me what he wants for Christmas. I want to leave out cookies for Santa with him. I want to see his face light up when he opens his gifts. I want him to open his gifts. I want him to tell him about the Baby Jesus. I want him to oohh and aahh at the Christmas lights.

That isn't something I'll find under the tree.

So, where's my fast forward?

This month is dragging by. I mean dragging.

I still love this month, I truly do. But, dangit, it's going by way too slowly. You woulda never heard me complain about that one before.

We're nearly there, patience, Holli. I've waited two years to find out if he was a surgical candidate. What's a few more weeks? Hard to explain how this feels, some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. Patience is hard to come by when your child's future is possibly at stake. And the potentially life altering moment is penciled in on next month's calendar page.

Does it make any sense when I say I'm ready, but nowhere near ready? Probably not.

This month's slow motion feeling is excruciating, but I'm thankful it's this month and not April or July or something like that. At least it's the one month I truly adore, otherwise I'd be in trouble. :)

Merry Christmas!!

1 comment:

Jamie said...

I want the same for my madie. Oh ur going to make me cry. If we loose hope what is there? We can just love our kids and raise them the best we can despite seizures.. I dont think I have any surprises eaither for christmas...LOL ((hugs))