One week...

I just haven't been feeling very blog-gy lately.

I've sat down several times in the attempt to compose something.

Problem is, I just cannot seem to articulate anything right now.

I'm just in one of the biggest funks. Each time I sit down and type, I end up with this long, exaggerated out pour of mixed emotions. There's nothing coherent. Nothing.

I'm angry, sad, bitter, frustrated, overwhelmed...you name it.

I feel jipped and blessed all at the same time.

Each time there seems to be progress, it's practically crossed out and replaced with a setback...

Day before yesterday I didn't see any clusters...his isolated drops were mild.

Yesterday afternoon we had our first speech therapy session. I was so encouraged by the therapist! She seemed to have so many great ideas that may actually be realistic for Austin. Motivation was starting to kick in a bit.

But, the clusters were back....and accompanied by four seriously intense drops (among the other milder ones he had).

So, mentally that put me back at square one. No more excitement...no more anticipation for the moment. Just a knot in my throat that stayed the rest of the day. I was sick to my stomach and curled into a ball to go to sleep.

This happens EVERY SINGLE TIME! Just when I barely start entertaining the thought of better, it gets jerked right out from under me. Oh, the mild seizures...maybe he can start venturing beyond his "safety zone" (which resides in carpeted, softly or non-furnished rooms only)...and BANG! There goes that thought.

I'm just so sick of being scared...and angry...and bitter...

I'm consumed with bits of nostalgia (with us approaching our one year of seizures)...remembering the past in such detail.

I've never been one to embrace change. And this was a MAJOR change in our lives. I just cannot work through this.

This is what I've been struggling with all week. The posts I had prepared somehow morphed into random thoughts all jumbled together...Kind of like this one, but it's the best I can do at the moment. The further we get into May, the harder it's getting. The trooper face I've been wearing is becoming less and less of a disguise.

Everything is just flooding in all at once. All the moments, and images, and emotions from last year are taking over. Never once at that time did I think we would ever still be here fighting to save Austin from seizures and developmental delays. I just didn't. As sad as I was, I really thought it was temporary...meaning a few weeks...maybe a couple months tops.

But here we are...exactly one week away from the one year mark of the first spasm I ever witnessed. Not an anniversary to celebrate.

A day I've been preparing for but dreading at the same time.

I desperately hope everyone is right...that it gets easier. Because it certainly hasn't yet. I'm still fighting the exact same feelings...anger and devastation. I've just gotten better at controlling them.

So, I hope I haven't completely ruined your day. This is not the kind of post I like doing. But, I've waited a week for this mood to pass and it hasn't yet...and may not until May is over...who knows. Maybe I'll find the peace I've been praying for.

I'm hoping for the latter.