A recent discussion over the weekend with my mother gave me a realization.
I cannot keep living this way.
Always in fear.
I'm holding him back.
I have to start letting go.
So...she would be proud to know, I've now incorporated Step 1 into my day today.
I let go.
Everyone is probably wondering whatha heck??
First, I have to start by filling you in a little on my one side of my personality...
As shameful as I am to admit...I'm a neurotic, overprotective, compulsive worry wart.
I was like this before the seizures...before Austin even. How ironic is it that I would be dealing with head/body dropping seizures?!!
And you may recall from this post that I thought the helmet would solve everything. My thoughts were that he would get the helmet and have complete reign over the house...therefore become a typical curious toddler with improved development. Problem solved.
That never happened. I could never let go. Of course, then, the seizures were much stronger and danger was much more likely.
But, I don't know why I've still held back all these months. He has a friggin' helmet for crying out loud!
I just...can't...let...go!
So, Mom came up with a Step program for me!
Step 1: Instead of sitting right under him while he's doing his thing in his "safe" room, block the entries off, put his helmet on him, and walk away (while keeping a watchful eye, of course).
Step 2: Once Step 1 reaches a comfort point, give him limited access to the kitchen floor, known to me as "danger city". That's my prospective though. With his helmet on, he's more protected than I let on. In reality, he's perfectly capable of maneuvering through the open areas of the kitchen unscathed. Really. But, when I let go of those little hands, images flash through my mind, and my heart starts racing...and he's soon scooped up and whisked back to the "safe" room.
Step 3: The rest of the kitchen...that one will be quite the challenge. I cannot even fathom the thought of him being near the dining table or his high chair.
Step 4: Little pitter patter following me all over the house!
So far so good. We (or, I, rather) made it through 20 minutes! He walked, tried to run, played...just as if I was sitting right there with him.
I honestly believe this will do wonders for both of us.
3 comments:
Wow, amazing steps. Steps I have not even been able to see through the tunnel yet, but I will have to face at some point.
Good for you.
Did you write this or did I? Ever since the "falling seizures" began in 2001, I have ALSO become more of a nervous wreck than I was before! And my mom has ALWAYS called me a "worry wart"!!!
You are doing an amazing thing here with your "Step Program"...Congratulations!!! I KNOW how hard it is....
Colby won't wear ANYTHING on his head...Never has...So no helmet....He doesn't walk, but crawls (Very quickly) all over the house...And he HATES being strapped in his wheelchair here in the house...So I continue to keep him sequestered in his pillow room....Maybe your bravery will be my inspiration!
Keep us posted on how it goes, fellow worry-wart!!!
As a fellow worry wart I too feel your pain!
Well, I have a hard time in letting myself "let go" - so I can't even begin to imgaine some of the "worries" behind letting go of the tiny hands of your child.
Then, adding IS to the mix - I imagine it took so much to get you to this point and I am so proud of you!
The steps sound like a great - well, step!!
With me - I know that I will still revert - still worry and hold myself back, but as long as I know the problems and I just keep TRYing or starting over....
I figure that's a start.
Love ya!
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